Alcohol, my permanent accessory

6 Sep

Why, yes, that title is a Barenaked Ladies reference, thanks for noticing! My high school bf bought me a 4 CD box set once when I couldn’t make a concert. He was good at that sorta thing. At the time, I didn’t drink and thought the lyric somewhat degenerate, but once I started imbibing, at the end of my sophomore year in college, I totally got it. Now, I’m constantly finding ways to incorporate drinking into innocent, every day activities. Such as:

“Tropical Tuesdays”- combining daiquiris and…Tuesdays
“Merlot & Movies” – when we smuggle boxed wine into the theater. Works best during Woody Allen films or anything featuring Nicholas Cage
“Train Tipples” – for those interminably long rides to see our parents
“Shopping Shots” – because buying groceries is just not fun

We love these motifs so much that we’ve decided to center our entire wedding around them. We’re getting married at an all-inclusive resort where guests will be encouraged to experience every aspect of our weekend under the influence of Presidente Lite. This way, I won’t have to feel insecure that people travelled from far lands and spent a considerable amount of sick days to celebrate me. I’m terrible with attention. Birthdays cause all kinds of anxiety. I feel guilty when people are abundantly nice to me for specified periods of time. This is one of the biggest factors contributing to why I put off planning a wedding for so long. The idea of spending an entire day with all eyes on me (and my fiancé, for those who glance at the groom), feels like all of the neurosis of my birthdays combined. Except, everyone gets to have a birthday. This time, people will be celebrating the fact that I’ve found someone to share my life with, which is less common and therefore makes me feel even less worthy. And that is why all attendees will be drunk at my wedding.

I suspect I’m sounding a pinch like an alcoholic. I’m not (though I have been told over cocktails with my mom that it does run in my family). I was late to the whole drinking revolution. While other kids in high school were raging at house parties, I was getting a good night’s rest for the next morning’s debate tournament. I was a Peer Drug Educator, which meant I took a vow not to partake in any illicit substances, however all of my beaus enjoyed recreational marijuana use so I was treated to the occasional contact high.

I was happy sober so long as everyone around me was sufficiently buzzed – this way I never had to be concerned about whether or not I was fun enough for them. I was able to stay on top of my faculties and savor every moment, while I watched my pals get progressively plotzed. This is more or less how I’ll treat my wedding. To my closest friends and select family members who haven’t seen me since I’ve grown boobs, I’ll be a blur of twinkle lights and white. And they’ll all have the best night they’ll barely remember.


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